Newborn Sleep Info for Pregnant People and Partners

Newborns are tiny survival machines.

They sleep a lot. Most newborns sleep around 16 hours a day. Annnnnnd it can feel like they don't sleep at all, because they do it in hour or two or maybe three hour stints. 

Here is the truth, for better or worse, and it's really important to understand this: 

You cannot teach a newborn about sleep. Do not try. Your goal is by 12-16 weeks to have started to introduce a schedule.  The first few weeks?  Don't even try.

Some will go three hours and parents want to throw a party! Smart parents know that that 3 hours might have been a one off, might not happen again for weeks.  Some newborns hit 3 hours all the time.  None of this reflects on your parenting one iota. 

Their stomachs are tiny and need constant refilling to keep them going.   Some may sleep for longer stretches. They may not. Your baby is unique.  In the first three months there is nothing to do but accept that it will change, and make smart caring-for-mama choices while you are struggling because they are not sleeping. 

What Care-of-Mom is varies from mom to mom, and use as many of these as you like! This is not a multiple choice, use them all if you want, see what works for unique you.

• take a bath
• get a massage
• take a walk/go to a gym
• engage a friend, family or baby support person(doula, baby nurse, night nurse) to help
• asking for help can be hard, but this is a great opportunity to strengthen that muscle-ask for a break, or a meal or a hug or...
• if baby has another guardian in the home ask them to do all the picking up and dropping baby off for feeds on alternating nights if you are breastfeeding, or just alternate night feedings if you are bottle feeding
• think of some other things that bring you peace- before baby is born, so you have them right there at hand!

Before you concern yourself with baby's sleep, make sure that baby is gaining enough weight. If baby is not getting enough nutrition they will struggle to sleep and so will you. Their little bodies know what they need, and much as they need sleep, their body knows that they need food. So, if they are not gaining enough weight they will not sleep until they have enough in their teeny stomach!  Again, it's about their survival, they are built for this!

Awake Windows

Pay attention to how long and when baby is awake. Most babies, if awake longer than these will be overtired, and overtired babies are generally unhappy and therefore harder to get to sleep, and then no one is happy.  

Newborn's awake window is usually about 45 minutes.  Gradually after 3 weeks you can gradually increase it.  By 3 months they can stay awake for  almost 2 hours-again, depending upon baby.

This is a Huge Transition- for everyone!

Think about it. Your newborn has just emerged from a warm, safe place where they were fed just enough constantly, where they were rocked constantly, where they were held in close cozy quarters and then they take this not very pleasant journey and are born!  We are ecstatic!   They might be feeling something else.

I believe that our primary role as parents in baby's first weeks of life is to teach them that we are here, that this strange, seemingly cold world is a safe place for them to be, that we are trustworthy, that we will take care of them. Our job is to love them and make them feel safe. Period.

The rest of their lives- after the first three months, is about teaching them to trust you and themselves as they slowly learn that they can do things for themselves as is developmentally appropriate-like getting themselves to sleep without you! Then feeding, then they start moving and then...yep, it just keeps going.  Savor these days as best you are able to.  Ease in, relax, you've got this.

Where should a newborn sleep?

You cannot teach a newborn bad habits in the first weeks of life, this is physiology.  So, during the day? If you take a walk and they fall asleep that's great! Let them fall asleep on your chest and just soak up the wonder. 

Don't worry about the hundred and one things that you could be doing if only this baby would transfer to their bassinet!  And, if they do transfer to their bassinet? Get a little rest or take care of you in some way.  The dishes, emails, etc. can always wait. (Trust me, you are life support for you and one other human. That's enough eh?)

Where should newborns NOT sleep?

Newborns should always be placed in their own safe sleep space-bassinet, co-sleeper or crib, or any other place which follows CDC safe sleep guidelines. 

Why? Because the CDC set those guidelines for a reason.

Week 4-12

By these weeks parents are super tired, and are also getting used to the fact that life has changed and have given up on it "returning to normal".  (If you're not feeling like this, bravo!  Don't tell anyone!)

These are the weeks when we get to teach ourselves, as parents.  Our aim in these weeks is to remember that baby is developing daily, and it is our goal, as their parents, to start to be aware of what they are developmentally ready for.

Babies will not tell us when they are ready to sleep, we have to teach them.  Having a nap and sleep schedule which is developmentally appropriate and reasonable and slowly easing baby into it is best for parents and baby.  No one wants to wake up at 15 weeks or 5 months and say "Why aren't they sleeping?!?" This can be avoided.

In the first few weeks?

Again, because this bears repeating. Love them.  Let go of doing it right. Feed them when they're hungry.  Let them sleep.

Take care of yourself and if there is another parent, make sure that both parents take turns in the tiring job of being life support for your baby. If you don't take care of yourself you cannot do your best for your baby, because no matter what you do, you will be tired. Let go and enjoy these weeks.

This is the sweet spot. 

Yes, when you're pregnant.  The earlier that you understand and teach yourself about infant sleep the better off you and your entire family will be. 

Practice letting go. 

Your goal in the first few weeks of your baby's life? Let go.  If you let go in the first few weeks you may have the energy to start working on teaching your baby the first of many lessons that you will help them learn-sleep.

The early weeks?  Let go.  Enjoy. Sniff the top of their head. Don't go tripping into the future.

The four tools that you want to use:

Give these to yourself and other adults, and baby.

Love.

Consistency.

Boundaries.

Honesty.

Yep, that's it. They are not a secret.  Pick up any book on parenting, from sleep to toddlers to teens and these tools are there. 

If you miss the sweet spot, it's cool, there are always more opportunities.  That baby isn't going anywhere for long time.  They've got a lot to learn, and a lot of time to do it in.